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For Best Results, Sing Louder
3rd February, 2010. Wednesday
18:30 pm - need a second to breathe
I had a dream last night, or early this morning, really, in which I was watching some sort of a game show. I wasn't really in the audience, it was one of those dreams where you just kind of float above everything and observe. Anyway. It was some sort of cross between Deal or No Deal and Wheel of Fortune(?) or The Price is Right(?) There was a wheel on the wall at any rate, but the "banker" was the Devil, and there was some guy reading questions to the kid who was the contestant (I don't think it was Howie, but I don't remember seeing him well). And the kid (kid as in, 25ish something) had a book open in his hands that he wrote his answers in. It must have been the final round or something, and the "host" starts harassing the kid for his answer. Then the Devil appears above them quite suddenly, hovering in the air, and the "host" says something like "what's your answer?!" and the kid smirks, takes his pencil, and flings it at the Devil, who POPS with a loud bang that woke me up. And that's when I realised I had overslept and had 15 minutes to get out of the house to my bus.
Very strange. I'm curious what meaning it might have.
And here's part of the phone conversation I had with Sage last night:
Sage: "Well, Andy's himself again."
Me: "Really?? OMG that's awesome! Where is he, is he okay? What happened?"
Sage: "I punched him."
Me: "....... And he didn't kill you?"
Sage: "Yeah, well, that's kind of what snapped him out of it. He pretty much Hulked out on me."
Me: "And you lived?"
Sage: "Black eye. But he was pretty fuddled as to why I was there. It slowed him up a bit."
So, apparently, Andy remembers nothing of the past half week, and they have him under surveillance and are doing some tests on him. *sighs* Sage said he turned really pale once everything was explained to him, and I imagine he's pretty scared, but at least Sage and Val are there to visit him, so he's not completely alone. Wish I could help. *headinhands* Why are we all so broken?
But in the mail I received something that reminded me how to smile, and that sometimes we just need to remember the small things. Because sometimes they're the biggest.
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contemplative1st February, 2010. Monday
03:28 am - Speltzie stuff....
So, I talked to Andy a week ago and he said he had some killer exams coming up and that he would call me on Thursday once they were all over and tell me how it went. Thursday: no phone call, but figured he's a boy and boys are stupid and never call when they say they're going to. No big deal. Friday: still no phone call, and I start thinking, okay, this is a little weird. Saturday: Still nothing, so I call him, kind of late, but that's never been an issue before and I was starting to feel worried. Here's pretty much what our conversation sounded like:
Me: Hey Andy, what's going on, everything okay? How were your exams?
Him: *silence* It's 1 in the morning. Who is this?
Me: .... It's Acy. *silence on the line* Carol! From America! Hello??
Him: I don't know anyone in America. *click*
Me: ooohhhhhhhh shit!
So I called his dad and asked him if he'd talked with Andy lately. He said no, and had just been thinking it was kind of weird, 'cause apparently one of the kids just had a birthday, and "Nuncle Drew" always remembered birthdays. So I told him about our conversation. He says he'll call Andy and then get back to me. Their conversation was similar, and ended with Andy yelling at his dad, "Why do you people keep calling me?? I don't know anyone in America, now leave me the hell alone!"
Which, pretty much means he's having one of his weird spells. And we don't know how long he's been like this, so we don't know if he's been going to class, if he took his exams, if he's been going to work, nothing. Mr. S. said he was going to try and contact Andy's doctor, and the school, and the girlfriend, and see if he can find out anything. *headinhands* *sighs*
I called Sage this morning and asked him to call Andy, maybe a call from Italy wouldn't be quite so weird to him *shrugs* Sage asked if he should go one step further and try to visit him. If he can't get a hold of him or he flips out at Sage like he did with me and his dad then he's going to fly over there and see if he can find him. I'll feel better knowing someone who knows about the situation is with him, or can actually be there to contact doctors or authorities or whatever. I don't know if Andy's current gal knows about these spells, but I'm guessing no, since their relationship apparently isn't serious enough for him to have given me her number and vice-versa.
I'm really worried. What if he doesn't "wake up" this time? What if this becomes permanent? What if it doesn't, but has somehow fucked his schooling and job? What if... what if... what if...?
I just pray he doesn't somehow hurt himself.
I keep thinking about everything we've been through. I keep thinking about all his dreams, everything he's worked for. I keep thinking about the last time I saw him. And the day he left for school.
*headinhands*
And I know that only time will tell us how
to carry on without each other.
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scared30th January, 2010. Saturday
14:48 pm - Only 47 Last Year......
I've been neglect in my recording of the books I've been reading lately. So here's the list of what I read in 2009:
Red=reread
1. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
2. The Wise Woman - Philippa Gregory
3. Mariel of Redwall - Brian Jacques
4. The Bellmaker - Brian Jacques
5. Inkheart - Cornelia Funke
( the rest )
Top 5 Best *new* Reads (in no particular order):
Q
The Name of the Wind
Ireland
The Dante Club
The Wise Woman
Top 5 Worst *new* Reads (in no particular order):
The Fountainhead
The Shack
Cage of Stars
Message in a Bottle
Heart and Soul
Most disappointing: Doomwyte, sad to say, and The Fountainhead.
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moody26th January, 2010. Tuesday
20:45 pm - no matter how hopeless, no matter how far
God's canvas
(is it obvious how much I miss my home?)
Tomorrow I will go back to choir practice. It will be the first time in three weeks that I have left the house for something other than work. I think they call that "progress". My choir director, like my sis, apparently refuses to give up on me, which is touching in its craziness.
My back has been causing me great amounts of pain these past few days. I think I've been sleeping at an odd angle because of the dog, who seems to think that my bottom is his own personal pillow.
I tried lavender pillow mist on my own pillows last night, to see if it would help me sleep better. It didn't really, but my hair sure smelled great this morning.
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thoughtful23rd January, 2010. Saturday
13:24 pm - this is what happens when I clean out my hard drive
Do not go gentle into that good night
( couple more )
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sore21st January, 2010. Thursday
20:48 pm - and I dream of home....
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
to the last syllable of recorded time
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numb17th January, 2010. Sunday
20:48 pm - is your heart frayed and empty?
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see,
you can find out first hand what it's like to be me
I draw so near to the edge, and then I back down, and walk away. Coward.
My skin refuses to clear up - my face keeps breaking out, and I look like an Appaloosa. I've gained weight. I've noticed strands of grey hair. I've dropped out of the music programs at church. I haven't been out of the house for something other than work in two weeks. I feel buried and forgotten, and I'm not even dead yet.
Happier note: I've been given more responsibilities at work, and I actually had the opportunity to really feel helpful on Thursday last.
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heartsore12th January, 2010. Tuesday
19:45 pm - just take a breath and softly say good-bye
Show me what it's like
To dream in black and white,
So I can leave this world tonight.
Holding on too tight.
Breathe the breath of life,
So I can leave this world behind.
Forever leave this world behind.
alone10th January, 2010. Sunday
22:10 pm
My heart is heavy. I've done a lot of thinking in the past week. I've questioned many of my decisions, both recent and past. Sometimes the weight of all the memories makes my head want to explode. Others, it is my heart. I've attempted to delve into the void of lost memories, but so many faces are gone. So many names, places, events. I cannot remember them. Only shadows.
The cold is horrendous. I can barely use my hands some days. I feel old.
I am weary.
I wonder how soon I might again find myself on that bridge. And I wonder which choice I'll make.
numb6th January, 2010. Wednesday
18:43 pm - keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
We’ve entered into a new decade, which hardly seems possible. It’s rather hard to believe that the Y2K scare was already ten years ago, that it’s 2010, that I’m still, somehow, here, especially after this New Year’s Eve. The 2000s brought so many changes, and so much seems crammed into just those years. So, instead of a year-end post about 2009, I’m looking back over the entire decade and laying out the most important/most influential events that have helped shape who I have become. I thought about breaking it up into subcategories, but I think it’ll be better if I just shoot from the hip and see what comes out. It’s won’t be chronological, some of it probably won’t make sense, some of it will surprise some people, and I’m sure it will be an incomplete list. But here goes:
I graduated with degrees from both high school and college.
I discovered I’m bisexual. I dated a girl, who five or six years later tried to kill me. I dated a guy, who ended up cheating on me with two other girls before dumping me on my 21st birthday.
I quit smoking cold turkey once I grew bored with it (I’d smoked for about a year). I got wound in a worse drug. I went partway through rehab. I still struggle with cravings.
I’ve been clean for two years.
I got my first real job at Bath & Body Works. I became a manager. I quit when I was hired full-time with Sightpath Medical. I began the writing of numerous novels; I actually finished one. I had a poem featured with an exhibit at the Walker Arts Centre.
I saw my best friend move across the country and then move back again. I saw my other best friend follow his dreams to Ireland. I saw the boy I knew since the day I was born buried, killed by a drunk driver, when we were 16 and preparing for Christmas. Five months later a close friend took a bullet for me, and I held him as he died in the park near our homes. I buried more friends than I can remember, sang at most of their funerals.
I helped identify my best friend’s mother when she was murdered. And three years later, when he woke from his three month coma, I was the one who had to remind him she was gone.
Not for the first time, I attempted suicide, twice.
I discovered how much the cabin and surrounding lake and land mean to me. I discovered how little certain people mean to me, and how some of them never grew up. I found I am Anti-child.
I was diagnosed with psoriasis. Which consequently led to arthritis. Some days I can barely walk.
I began collecting books.
I was proposed to, in a way.
I performed at Orchestra Hall.
I found a sister.
I lost 20-30% of the hearing in my right ear.
I lost a significant amount of weight. I've gained some of it back, and I am most unhappy about it.
I watched from my kitchen in Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA as my gay friend married the most wonderful guy in a lovely little church in Rome. Half a year earlier, we weren't even sure he would live, after slitting his wrists and plunging into the Arno.
I had my beloved Briar put down. I bought Hunter, and my parents bought Rosy.
I saved my ex-girlfriend’s life, twice. I still blame myself for not being able to save another friend from his suicide. I found him in the snow the morning after. I still have nightmares of the blood in the snow. I knew people in the 9/11 WTC attack.
I almost lost my grandma Margaret. I almost lost Andy. I almost lost Sage. I did lose my grand-uncle Don, and two other friends of my grandmother who I miss dearly, Chess and Alphild. I celebrated one grandma turning 80, and one grandma turning 90.
I lost God and swore He didn’t exist. I came back to Him again. We still don't see eye to eye, but we're working on mending our relationship. I dropped out of choir. I went back and realised how much I had missed it. I joined Joyful Noise.
I participated in and saw Asbury United Methodist, the church where I’ve spent my entire life, join with another to become the new church Living Spirit.
I lost the ability to trust easily. I, in part, overcame my social anxiety; in some ways it still haunts me.
I'm learning to be lonely.
I learned that love means letting go.
I can't think of anything else to add at the moment... except that I feel it should now read "attempted suicide, thrice" and "died". But I apparently haven't reached the story's ending quite yet after all.
I feel like I measure my life in tragedies.
beyond caring28th December, 2009. Monday
20:09 pm - I don't really wanna live this life
Back to work tomorrow. I can't believe my extended weekend is over already. So glad I spent it in a stuffed up, muddled, head cold induced haze. *eye roll* I think there are only three of us working tomorrow, though, so it should be a pretty quiet, boring little day.
*sighs*
I just want to go home. But I already am home. So, where is it I want to be?
lost25th December, 2009. Friday
12:28 pm - for a moment... I felt I belonged.
It wasn't a pony. Sage and Val gave me a Leprechaun for Christmas.
Despite the snow, last night went well. I started feeling the beginnings of a cold as soon as I woke up, wasn't sure I'd be able to do O Holy Night, but two huge mugs of tea with lemon and honey in it managed to hold off the sore throat until it was all over with. It was by far the strangest Christmas Eve I think I can remember, with all the running around, and not really spending much of it with my family. *sighs* Being a part of those two services was some kind of strange wonderful, I don't even know how to describe it. There are a few people who I really wish could have been there.
Now it's Christmas Day, we've opened some of our gifts, some we'll open later. Walked the dogs, shoveled the snow, and attempted to fix a huge leak in the porch roof. Now just waiting until we leave for my grandma's for dinner.
Merry Christmas everyone. And to a select few who know who you are: Thank You.
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grateful21st December, 2009. Monday
20:49 pm - if I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on
So what does it mean when your friend calls you up on the phone and says, "Your Christmas present is arriving Wednesday!!" and then giggles like a bloody little maniac? Do I even want to know what those two crazies bought me this year??? Maybe it's the pony I, apparently, asked a bunch of people for.
There was an emergency all site meeting called this morning at work. Never a good thing. Tiff broke down a little bit as he told us the news. Chapter 11. And then he assured us that all our jobs are safe, and that business will continue as usual. It still makes me nervous, but it's nice working for someone who's up front and honest with everyone, and who actually cares. It's kind of strange, after the unloving customers-and-sales-are-the-only-things-t
My right ankle is so swollen and sore, I'm wondering if it really might be fractured somehow. Getting up and down the stairs today has been an absolute torment. I'm glad there aren't stairs where I work. *sighs*
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worried/curious20th December, 2009. Sunday
21:58 pm - Finding Christmas
The other day my grandma's doctor said to her, "Your heart is failing, but your mind is just fine." Today I went over to her house and spent the afternoon and evening with her, setting up some Christmas decorations for her, and she taught me how to make Spritz cookies and Russian Tea Cakes. That was so much fun. We had dinner, chatted quite a bit. I found a little slice of Christmas working in that kitchen with her, and that felt really good. I wish I could share my grandma with everyone, she is so amazing.
And yesterday I found another little piece of Christmas when I was out at MOA with Krys. We had lunch together, did our gift exchange, and she gave me an awesome package with some really awesome stuff in it. But the pendant she made using a photo I had taken just kind of blew me away. It's just little things like that, the thought, the time, the caring, that just... help me, at least for a little while, find Christmas.
Seriously, the emotional roller-coaster can stop and let me off any time now. I've really had enough. One minute I'm laughing, the next I'm sobbing, then I'm cutting, then I'm breaking things, then I'm wanting to punch someone in the face, then I'm laughing again.
And I am singing "O Holy Night" at the ten o'clock service on Christmas Eve. The last song Andy, Duo, Max, and I ever performed together. It doesn't really choke me up (with those high notes I can't really afford to let it anyway), but it still makes me stop and think a little bit. Sage and Val are thinking of coming to it (though they have reservations about church services), which makes me happy, and anyone else is, of course, most welcome.
grateful17th December, 2009. Thursday
21:09 pm - always an inconvenience
Last night I went to choir, practiced the three solos I'm doing between now and Christmas, even stayed late to practice one of them, and then came home and reopened the cuts on my wrists from three weeks ago. Don't ask me why, I don't have an answer. Why am I stating this so frankly here? Don't ask me that, either, because I really don't know. Seriously, your guess is as good as mine.
Today my boss and her boss took myself and the four other people I work with out for lunch at Don Pablo's. I'd never been there before, but it was pretty good, and fun. I was really nervous about it at first, since I'm so uncomfortable in situations like that, but I didn't feel too out of place. We were gone for about two hours, and when we finally got back we basically did nothing for the rest of the day. It's such a weird, cool place to work.
I went out to MOA after work to get a little shopping done with my dad. It didn't turn out too well from the standpoint of getting anything accomplished. I had to buy bras for myself, and I need to still buy new boots because the heels are falling off my current pair, but I put that off until another time. I got a few things bought, was really surprised by the lack of people, and am half terrified by the thought of how many people will be there on Saturday when I'm out again. There's so much I still need to do before Christmas. So many presents I still need to buy. I could say that everyone's present this year is the fact that I'm still breathing, but I doubt anyone would really appreciate that kind of gift. Maybe it's not a gift at all anyway.
I think I'm going to go curl up in bed now and try to refrain from doing any more stupid things.
Sage and Val arrive from Italy tomorrow.
numb14th December, 2009. Monday
20:34 pm - Love is watching someone die
At this time, nine years ago, you were still alive somewhere. Somehow, I just can't stop thinking about that. Through the entire day, I've just kept thinking, "Alright, we were both in classes at this moment, nine years ago." "This was the last moment I saw you, nine years ago, and didn't know it." "Right now you were visiting someone and making someone happy." "I was just finding a rose, the final rose, on the doorstep." Soon, I'll be passing that hour and thinking, "This was when they called me. This was when they finally told me. You were gone."
Nine years ago. Has it only been nine years? Has it really been nine years?
Every year I think I'm getting past this, and then it gets close to Christmas and the 14th, and I start to break down again. I grow to believe I'm so strong, that the ache is finally going to go away, and then it floors me again with its intensity, and I realise how very weak I am. It's one of the hardest things about the holidays. Remembering.
I wasn't there to watch you die. I wasn't there, and it will haunt me forever.
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heartsore12th December, 2009. Saturday
14:16 pm - held onto it forever, just pushing it down
Went to see A Christmas Carol at the Guthrie last night. First time I've ever seen it in play form, though I've wanted to go for years. It was a different, shorter adaptation than they've normally done, but I still thought it was very good. We tried a new restaurant right inside the Guthrie for dinner, and it was really good, though I did manage to dribble my drink into my hair. Such a waste of good vodka.
On Thursday night I stayed up late and made a huge batch of chocolate-chip cookies for Staci's birthday (which is Monday, but I wanted her to have them over the weekend, after what happened last week). Today I made Christmas sugar cookies with my mom. I didn't really want to at first, and started out kind of bitchy and "rawr", but it got to be fun pretty quick. I wish I didn't feel so completely wiped out right now though. I even got a pretty decent night's sleep, until Hunter urped on the bed at 4 o'clock this morning. That was kind of ick.
I've been asked to sing for the Christmas Eve 10 o'clock service this year, but I don't know what song to do. I kind of wish they'd just pick something for me. I would do O Holy Night, but I'm pretty sure Dan's already going to sing that, and the choir is doing Silent Night, so that's out, too. There is a song I would really like to do, called Christmas 1915, but I don't think it's probably appropriate for a church service. I need to talk with Dan and find out what the service looks like music-wise. I need to talk to him about some other stuff too; some church related, some not.
I am so looking forward to having the house to myself tonight. My brother's with my grandma, and my parents are going out with a friend for dinner and a concert. Just me and the dogs and the vodka tonight, and there's stuff I actually want to do, so it shouldn't turn into a depression/cutting fest. Gonna work on some music things, and maybe even someone's Christmas present, though it's really not turning out well, and I might have to think up something else. Really kind of bummed about that.
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okay8th December, 2009. Tuesday
18:25 pm - The Big-Boss Man
I love our company's president. On Friday he had surgery. Yesterday he posted on our company's blog about how he's doing. I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read this next bit:
Speaking about the floral arrangement our staff sent to him:
During these trying times, I believe it's very important to maintain maximum versatility; you'll all be happy to know that if things had gone differently, the arrangement would have looked beautiful at the funeral home, too.
Love it. Just love it.
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tired7th December, 2009. Monday
20:42 pm - the reason God gave me wide shoulders
Today my friend/co-worker walked into my cubicle, sat down on my desk, and said, "I need you to talk me down from a ledge."
And I said "Okay."
And we talked. Commiserated. Laughed. Felt better.
I reiterate, hugs help save lives.
(EDIT 21:12: just realised this: yes, the song was completely random)
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indescribable6th December, 2009. Sunday
17:17 pm - fumbling for a handhold
Where are you, Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Yesterday I dog-sat my neighbours' new puppy, Nordic. He's about 4 months old, and I'm not sure my dogs were really certain what he was at first. They had a pretty fine time, he was very well behaved and I didn't have to watch them every moment, which was nice. Hunter's so laid back that he let the puppy climb all over him, and let him bat him in the head with his little paws and chew on his tail. It was funny seeing them together, since Hunter's like ten times bigger than Nordie (which is what I call him). Rosy was less sure as to what to do with him, but they got along eventually.
Over the past two days I have slept a total of 23 hours, and I still feel completely wiped out. I don't even want to crawl out of bed when it's so cold, and I simply don't want to go anywhere, I feel so exhausted. I can't believe the weekend is over already.
Dan gave me the best hug after the service this morning. It was the best, because it was unexpected, and so very much needed. Hugs (help) save lives.
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