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For Best Results, Sing Louder
20th January, 2012. Friday
20:50 pm
It was a year ago that we buried my grandma Betty. It seems longer almost, and then again, almost like yesterday that she was still here. I just want to curl up in bed and cry for a long time. My entire body aches, wrapped in pain that I can't get rid of, only dull slightly with painkillers. No one cares. No one understands what each day costs me. I'm a nuisance, useless, unneeded. Like an old lady, but not being old I haven't earned the respect that the elder deserve. I'm an invalid. I cry a lot lately. Little things set me off, memories. Sometimes the pain is just so intense that I can't help but sob. And because no one comprehends the pain, it just seems like I'm a weepy, sniffly, child starving for attention. I just want the pain to stop. It's breaking me down, all my emotions are near the surface. It's not attention I crave, it's an escape from the pain. I wish there were someone to hold me.
The medical bills are taking a toll. I keep hoping for a monetary miracle, but I don't think one will come. I'm having to decide which bills need to be paid immediately and which can be put off until the next payday. I'm frightened.
I keep fighting, because if I dare stop I will lose all hope and will lie down and die.
miserable/lonely2nd January, 2012. Monday
15:41 pm - fuck you, 2012
It always makes me feel really great when I have a day off and I only see my housemate once, even though we're both home. Yes, that's sarcasm.
Tomorrow is my appointment with the rehab medicine doctor. If they don't give me something for this pain I am going to shoot myself in the face, because I can't deal with it anymore. Despite the pain, I went out and shoveled today, because I knew it wasn't going to get done otherwise. That also makes me feel just great.
I'd write more, but I'm afraid it's just going to be bitchy ranting that no one will bother to read anyway, nor would want to. Frankly, I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me, for ignoring me, and hating me. I hate me, too. Probably more than anyone else does. And I fear, now, it will lead to my ultimate undoing. I've been staining blades again.
miserable24th December, 2011. Saturday
23:55 pm - the saddest hour
The Christmas Eve services are over; I have sung my songs to the joy of everyone, or so I've been told.
Now, here I sit with my Christmas tree, my wrapped presents, alone. Tomorrow there will be bustle and joy and people here, but tonight it's just me. Maybe someday I won't have to be alone on Christmas Eve, but I'm not holding my breath. I'd best get used to being alone, I think it'll be a long while....
Merry Christmas.
lonely17th December, 2011. Saturday
17:01 pm - Dear Agony
I cannot physically do half the things I want/need to do, and it is frustrating beyond belief! I finally went to Urgent Care about the pain in my back when it became so bad that I couldn't even roll over in bed without wanting to scream with pain. That doctor was fixated on the idea that it was something wrong with my spine, so after had x-rays done and it showed nothing wrong she just gave me some pain killers and a steroid to help lessen the swelling in my back and set me up to see another doctor a week later in Family Practice. Went to that doctor and she comes out with the idea that one of my hips isn't aligned right, causing the swelling which presses against my sciatic nerve and causes all this pain. Yeah, right. She gave me *nothing* and recommended I have physical therapy and see someone in rehab medicine. *headesk* At least the steroid the first doctor gave me helped lessen the pain, because the Vicodin and the other pain killer don't do jackshit and I have long stopped taking them and gone back to Advil, which at least helps a little, in huge doses. The steroid I only could take for five days, and yeah, there were probably good reasons to not give me a refill on that, but considering I couldn't get an appointment with these physical therapy people until JANUARY, one would think she could have given me *something* so my holidays weren't spent in agony. I've decided that all these doctors are complete and total overpaid morons, who really don't know anything. The first time I went to the doctor they insisted on taking my blood pressure THREE times because "it's a little high". *facepalm* No shit, it's high, dumbass, I'm in an excruciating amount of pain and simple movements send lightning bolts through my whole body. Yeah, I can see why it'd be kind of high! Well, after this bullshit from the last doctor I've pretty much decided to take care of this my own damn self. Yeah, I'll try the physical therapy, and maybe the rehab medicine people will decided I need steroid shots or something, but the basic fact is, something is swelled in my back and pressing the hell out of my sciatic nerve, which is causing pain to radiate all the way down to my ankle, and sometimes up to my neck. Take care of that and you've solved my problem. Whatever. So, I take lots of Advil and try to take long hot soaks every night. I try to make sure I don't walk with a limp (which is why I think Doctor #2 thought my hips were misaligned). It is agony. Pure and simple. And I've basically got two options. I can mope around and feel sorry for myself, allowing the pain to dictate what I do, which would equal about nothing, or I can suck it up and deal and try and maintain my normal level of activity. It's really hard, but I'm stoically trying for the latter.
A week ago Friday I had the wonderful opportunity to see the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus with Dan. We had dinner at the Wilde Roast Cafe, did a LOT of catching up and talking, and then went to the concert at Ted Mann Concert Hall on the U campus. It was so much fun, and I was so glad to see him again; it's been a long time. The following evening I went downtown with my parents and Krys for the Celtic Thunder Concert at the State Theatre. Also a wonderful show, and I am SO glad that Ryan Kelly is back with the group! I was so afraid we wouldn't get to see him, but he's back, and I'm so, so, so glad. Dinner at the Mission Kitchen before that, which was really good. Two new, yummy restaurants and two great concerts in one weekend = awesomesauce!
Thursday night I met Krys out at MOA after work so I could finally do my Christmas shopping, and I hobbled all over the place and got most of everything on my list. I still might need to go out there once more, but there are some people I just don't know what to give. :c sadpanda Anyway, that night was really hard on my leg, and it's been acting weird ever since, with a funny, sharp pain near my ankle. I don't know, probably don't want to know, I just want it to go away. Today I went to Target to finish buying some care package items for two boxes I'm making up to be sent to two Marines who have never received anything from home during their tour of duty. Our church is sponsoring them, and I just hope everything I got will be okay and useful to them.
I went and got my Christmas tree today. Daddy took me, and actually bought it for me, too, which he did last year as well. The guy who runs the place we go gave me a "family discount", since my dad had already bought two trees there this year. It's such a cute tree, and I'm going to get the lights on it tonight; will decorate it tomorrow. Last weekend Pete came over and helped me set up the Christmas Village. I think Margaret really would have liked how we did it this year. My living room has a built in shelf, and for the first time we put the table below that, so we could use the bottom shelf to put a couple of the buildings on. It's so cute, so pretty. It makes me miss my grandmothers so much. The 12th marked exactly one year since Betty passed away. It's... rough. Still very rough.
There is no snow on the ground. I'm not really complaining, because I hate snow and the less snow we have the better, because that means less chance of ice dams forming and leaking into my living room again. But at the same time, I want a little snow for Christmas. Just an inch or two is all, just so it's white. It's strange looking out and seeing grass and leaves still. Tomorrow it's supposed to hit 42. Strange.
Speaking of the ice dams, I hired a guy who plays banjo at our church now and then to repair the damage in my living room. He's done a nice job, and even put some sealant on the roof, too, so hopefully no more leaking and hopefully, after the holidays, we can finally start painting in here!
I'm singing "O, Holy Night" again this year at church, and I'm afraid it's going to sound like complete crap. I tried practicing it with Sandy on Wednesday night and completely forgot how the first refrain went! It was so bad I couldn't help laughing, but now it's got me paranoid and nervous. And the steroid I was on gave me dry mouth, which I'm still getting over, and that's no good for singing, either. I'm afraid my high notes are going to sound terrible, and I just don't know what to do. I'm... really worried about it. :(
I'm probably going to be alone Christmas Eve into Christmas morning, and while I'm not nearly as bothered by this as I was a year ago, it's still kind of depressing.
annoyed5th December, 2011. Monday
19:52 pm - on the "Better Pain Scale" I'm a 10: actively being mauled by a bear
Went to Urgent Care today to see what's wrong with my back. It has been causing me server pain for about a month now, so bad that I can't really do anything anymore without being in pain. Even lying down is painful. It has something to do with my sciatic nerve, because the little lightning bolts of pain run all down my left leg now and then. But, they're not sure what's really wrong with me. They gave me a bunch of drugs, told me to come back next week to someone at Family Practice.... They were afraid it was something with my spine, and did X-rays and everything, but thankfully that isn't the problem. That would have involved surgery and everything, so... I'm hoping it never comes to that. I just want the pain to go away. It's grown so unbelievably bad. I have a high tolerance for pain, I guess, but even I couldn't put up with any more. I'm disappointed that they couldn't give me anything more conclusive.
It's been a hellishly long day, and I think it's going to grow into a hellishly long week. Looking forward to the TCGMC Christmas Concert on Friday with Dan, and then the Celtic Thunder Christmas concert on Saturday with my parents and possibly Krys.
Our living room walls are repaired, but the insulation has to be redone by a professional, since it's such a fucked up mess and requires a vacuum to get it all out of there and everything, so... yeah, not so happy about that, but am glad that we will at least be able to maybe paint and redecorate after the holidays. Or, even celebrate the holidays here, that's going to be awesome, too.
sore/unhappy30th November, 2011. Wednesday
22:21 pm - Happy We Can Has House Anniversary!!!
Today marks exactly one year since we closed on my grandma's house and I became a homeowner. I miss both of my grandmas so much, every day, and sometimes the ache doesn't ever seem to go away. But I know they must be happy for me, because we're still living here, and even if things aren't perfect, we're trying.
It's a little ironic that today is also the day on which we've finally been able to get someone in here to start repairing last year's water damage in our living room. I really hope it works out, I'm just about out of prayers.
It took me two weeks, 4 highlighters, and around 230 pages of paper, but I finished the lens reconciliation project I was working on at work. Actually, it's just the first stage, but it was the longest, most tedious part, and I'm probably about the only one with the patience and the knowledge of our tracking system to sit down and track approximately 10,000 lenses. It was a big compliment being given that assignment, and I'm hoping it might be the forerunner of more good things to come.
Spent around three hours at church tonight helping to interview two candidates for the choir director position. I had wanted to maybe throw a small "party" tonight, have a special drink, something for the anniversary of getting the house, but this interview business kind of put the end to that. *sighs* Oh well, doubt anyone would have wanted to celebrate with me anyway....
numb25th November, 2011. Friday
24th November, 2011. Thursday
11:23 am - Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!
I reached 50,000 words last night on my NaNo, so, technically I've "won", but my real goal is to see if I can actually finish the novel before the end of the month. I've participated in NaNoWriMo for four years now, I think, and I've made it to 50,000 words each time, but I've only once actually finished a novel. Last year's was really just a junk story I was writing to keep me occupied, so once November was over I just dropped it. But the two from the first and second years I NaNo'ed were actually novels I felt had great potential - except I only finished the first one. I keep meaning to go back to the second and finish it, but it got so tricky that there were things I really needed to figure out first, and I really haven't quite gotten everything straight there yet. And I keep meaning to send my first one out for editing by friends, but that never seems to happen either. Having a printer would greatly increase the chances of that happening. So, yeah, there's a recap of what I've been doing on the writing front.
This Thanksgiving has started so drastically different than last year that it's practically mind boggling. Last year was bitter cold, I think the high was something like zero, and overcast. Today it's only 11am and it's already 47 degrees and for the most part it's sunny. There isn't snow on the ground yet, all of it from the other day has thankfully melted. It's amazing.
So, what am I thankful for this year? Pretty much the same things as last: my family, my friends, especially my best friend/housemate. I'm thankful to have a house, even if it leaks and causes me all manner of stress and heartache and money. I'm thankful for the memories of wonderful times spent here in the past, and hopefully wonderful times still to come in the future. I'm thankful for music, without which I would have no soul. I'm thankful, excessively, for my job, which allows me to keep this house, and where I work with some wonderful people. And although they haven't been able to give me a raise in the two years I've been working there, they've given me a steady job, and perks, like getting paid for a full day's work yesterday even though we all got to leave at noon. It allows me to not have to work in retail, which means I don't have to even leave the house on Black Friday if I don't want to. Even though my stress and anxiety levels are still through the roof, at least I don't have to work retail anymore, especially during Holiday, and that's probably one of the main reasons I'm not dead yet.
(I need to stop hitting command+s, it's became force of habit to do it every other minute during NaNo time.)
Last year at this time I still had one grandmother living, but was worried, and knew, that we didn't have much time left with her. I was also getting ready to close on the house, and was a nervous basket case because of it. I'm still trying to get the wall repaired, but we think, maybe, *finally* we've found someone who can do it. We gave up on trying to figure out our original contractor, but even the other companies we called never got back to us. So, it's been a long, frustrating road, and maybe we're finally nearing the end(?). Had a plumber out yesterday because the kitchen sink was leaking into the cupboard below and we had to be sure it was just an issue with the faucet. Thankfully that is the only problem, and just means we have to be a little more proactive about replacing the faucet, instead of constantly putting it off as we have been. Next week, maybe.
okay8th November, 2011. Tuesday
19:34 pm - this is what I come home to....
I wish so much that these constant reminders of my uselessness and worthlessness would stop happening. Right now, I sincerely wish I had jumped off a cliff while up north, because, truth be told, the idea did cross my mind. I'm so sick of me, and being me, and feeling like this.
It's been seven months since I last stained a blade - I'm seriously wondering if I won't be starting the count over again soon.....
toying with suicidal thoughts2nd November, 2011. Wednesday
SQUWEE!!!28th October, 2011. Friday
23:16 pm - love means letting go
"Blithe smile, lithe limb,
she who's winsome, she wins him,
[auburn] hair with a gentle curl,
that's the girl he chose,
and heaven knows,
I'm not that girl."
I am so very happy for Andy and Amara Rose, who were married today. I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. And for me... it's time to let go... and it hurts... like hell.
indescribable23rd October, 2011. Sunday
19:19 pm - so break me down if it makes you feel right
Last Tuesday I had my "catch-up" meeting with the president of our company. He told me I was the "quietest person at SPM by reputation" and that he had really been looking forward to meeting and getting to know me. We had a good conversation, and I left feeling very secure in my job situation. With the economy as weird as it is, and jobs difficult to find, I really don't want to be jobless right now, and I was terrified that for some reason our company would fold and I'd be out looking for work. I love my job. I love the people, the atmosphere, just about everything except the commute. I have no interest in going anywhere else, unless I can magically find a job that requires my creative writing skills or my singing voice. So, that's one thing I can stop worrying about. One thing I can cross off my list of worries, and I can breathe a little easier now.
November is almost here. I don't know that I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I feel like I'm losing touch with my writing ability - I'm doubt it more and more each day. Part of me thinks it's time to pull out some of my old work, revise, send off for critique, and then revise again and see what I can make of it. The other part of me just thinks it's hopeless. I don't know if NaNo would help me this year, or if I'd just feel more like crap by trying to do it. *sighs* I haven't made a decision yet, and I'm running out of time.
My living room wall remains unfixed. I don't know what's become of the contractor we loved so well, but Krys has started looking for new possibilities. It's so frustrating. Learning that my job is secure only alleviates my worry about this project a tiny, tiny bit.
I feel so fat and ugly. I've gained weight, not a huge amount, but when you're already a big girl every little bit makes you cringe a bit, at least that's how I feel. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I see. I HATE it... me. It's my fucked up metabolism, since I don't eat terribly much, I don't eat tons of junk, and I get moderate exercise (the same amount that a handful of years ago helped me *lose* weight). *sighs* I don't know what to do anymore, except see a doctor, which I need to do for other reasons, too, but am terrified.
Andy's wedding is in a week, less than actually, next Friday. I am... not ready for it, in many ways. Part of me wishes he hadn't badgered me into singing, but I'm also partly thankful. I don't want to be there and at the same time I really do. It's going to be difficult. I let him and Rose ransack my closet and jewellery boxes yesterday to pick out what I should wear, because I told them I couldn't afford to buy anything new, and I didn't know what to wear. I let them have fun, via webcams and cell phones, and they've put together something I guess I'm okay wearing. I'll be in the same colour as the bride, though, and... I feel weird about that. They're having a semi-traditional Irish wedding, so she's going to wear blue, sky blue, so at least it'll be a different shade than the skirt they picked for me, but still.....
I went back to church today for the first time in two weeks. I didn't want to spend the energy to get ready and go, I was afraid of being around that many people, and I really had to psych myself up to get out of the house and go. I'm glad I went. They asked me to lead the singing again, and... when I'm singing, I feel really good inside. It isn't always the songs, because sometimes we sing some godawful songs, but something in the act of singing, the emotion it brings out in me, I don't know. I always find myself hoping they don't ask me to sing, because then I can skip out early and I don't have to interact with the service at all. But I always find myself saying yes when they ask, and feeling really good when I stand up there with the mic in my hand and feeling the music inside. It's so hard to explain... but I'm thankful for it....
*sighs*
I feel full of fail....
shattering22nd October, 2011. Saturday
22:06 pm - October 2011 Trip Up North
just some of the photos I took while I was up north last weekend....
crappy11th October, 2011. Tuesday
21:19 pm
Sometimes I think the biggest problem is that I have to live with myself 24/7. Everyone else can escape, get away, ignore, but I'm stuck with me... always.....
sad10th October, 2011. Monday
20:37 pm - the good and the bad
I've had a nice long weekend to relax, and I kind of did for most of it. Friday our company president called an "emergency" meeting, at which he told us that since it was such a gorgeous summer day outside we would have one too, and that they were ordering pizzas to be delivered by 11 and everyone could go home at noon. That was a really nice perk, since the "emergency" meeting we had had on Tuesday informed us that the VP of finance was no longer with the company, something that shocked everyone in the room. I'm not sure, exactly, why we got that free half day on Friday, but somehow I think it was connected in some way to the announcement about the VP. So, that kicked off my weekend, and I had already planned to take Monday off, so it's been nice. I spent four hours on Saturday planting bulbs in the front garden, approximately 140-150 of them, and then on Sunday I called my mom and asked if she wanted help planting her bulbs. I was so sore after Saturday I could hardly walk, but I must be a sucker for pain, since I went right out again to do more. Then today daddy took Krys, Pete, and me to the MN Zoo. Enjoyed that quite a bit, since it's been years since I was last out there. And then, to apparently prove that I don't know how to relax when I take a day off, we came home and I swept the kitchen and porch floors, washed the garbage can, cleared more junk out of the garage, bagged up three bags worth of old clothes for the DAV, raked leaves into the front gardens, washed the dishes, cleared the coffee table and set out Hallowe'en decorations, cleaned some crap out of the dining room, and washed the living room windows. I am so exhausted now. Looking forward to only working three days this week, since I also took Friday off to go out of town for the weekend.
So, that's the recap of all the nicey nice things, now for the things that are weighing on my mind.
I am terrified I am going to lose my job, through no fault of my own. I'm so scared that I'm going to get there one day and find the doors barred and locked, and someone tells me there's no more work, no more company, go home. I don't know why I'm so scared, if it's left over anxiety from our emergence from bankruptcy, or if it's rather disheartening numbers for the past couple months, or if it's just seeing some people leaving. I don't know. I'm just scared, because if I lose my job I don't know how quick I can get another one, and how I'll possibly be able to pay for the house. I'm terrified that after that long period of worrying that I wouldn't get the house and then getting it that I'm going to lose it again. I have no other income and no other financial support. I pay for virtually everything regarding the house right now. I have some savings, which will be even smaller if we ever get the living room wall fixed. It's something that has to happen, though I'm beginning to give up hope that it ever will. I don't know what to do about that either. We keep waiting to hear back quotes and to set a date to start the work and it just seems like it never happens. I have specific reasons for not trying to find someone other than the guy we're working with, but it's going beyond frustrating for me to simply being worrisome and upsetting and hopeless. And the part of my brain that believes in signs really wonders what this continuous delay means. *sighs* I don't know what to do anymore.
On top of that, I've heard recently from a good friend of mine I used to work with, who is basically falling apart, and I have no idea how to help her anymore. I keep trying to talk to her, I am always here for her, but I don't know what to say anymore, aside from "don't give up" and "you are loved". I'm worried about her, because she helped me so much at BBW and at Sightpath, and I just wish I knew what to do to help her now, to help her as I have in the past. But this is the worst I have ever seen her... this is bad.
For my own mental health, I haven't been too bad lately, but some days it's hard to get out of bed, and some nights I drink too much, and other nights I just cry a lot, alone, because I don't know what else to do, or where else to go. Some days I feel there isn't anyone who cares whether or not I'm still breathing, and other days I know it's not true. I try not to be a difficult person to live with, I try to not be annoying or frustrating. In the end, I still look in the mirror and hate the person looking back at me, and I still haven't figured out how to change that. I want to, but... I just don't know how..... The worse I feel, the deeper into my music I fall, as if it could buoy me up, carry me through....
lonely5th October, 2011. Wednesday
2nd October, 2011. Sunday
21:00 pm
A Happy Birthday goes out to Krys today! We had a nice MOA trip yesterday, lunch at Tucci to celebrate. Good times. Love ya, sis.
okay25th September, 2011. Sunday
17:17 pm - leading worship music
I don't normally post twice in a row anymore, but I feel I have to comment on what I wrote yesterday about not feeling choir and the music program in general at church anymore. Today when I got there for practice our pianist, who has taken over being the music director and is directing the choir until we find someone else, asked if I would help lead hymns again. I had helped a couple weeks ago, and then was out of town, so was actually kind of figuring no one would remember or bother to want to me help lead again this week. Well, we went over the songs, and we figured out which ones I should lead on, which was pretty much all of them except for two I didn't know at all. And it felt really good to be that lead voice. The first Sunday I had done it I noticed how different it felt, and how it really felt pretty good, but this week was really fun, and I left feeling pretty great. So, I don't know. I'm still a little conflicted about how I feel concerning staying at Living Spirit. Part of me still wants to go somewhere where the music staff doesn't change every three or four years, but part of me also wants to stay and see how I can grow, and help grow, the music program. As usual, my path is completely unclear, but I'm trying to figure out my way. I know, or feel, more than ever that I need to do something with music, and I wish I could find a way to get paid for it (aside from the random funerals I'm asked to sing at, which I normally end up doing for free anyway, 'cause they're people I know). I don't know. I wish just once the answers could be made clear....
This morning was the best I've felt for the past couple days. Since I came back to town I've felt really melancholy and empty, sort of worthless and just... ugly... and unwanted. So, maybe I really needed this morning. We'll see what happens.
contemplative24th September, 2011. Saturday
21:33 pm - are you sure I'm not alright?
Made the mistake of going to MOA today, but it was really the only day I had free and I needed to finish some birthday shopping and a few other errands. I just can't handle those large crowds anymore, it just shreds my nerves. But it was a successful trip, from the standpoint of finding gifts and some other good deals. I am now completely exhausted and wishing I didn't have to sing in church tomorrow so I could stay home. *sighs* Whatever.
Choir has started back up again, without a real director since Dan's gone. I... am really having trouble sticking with it. I just don't really care anymore, and so it's hard to keep going to practices and show up for services. I don't know what to do anymore.
Still delayed on fixing the living room wall. I've gone past the angry stage to just being frustrated and rather hopeless.
Last weekend I was up at the cabin with my dad, brother and uncle. It was beautiful up there, and I wish I were still there (as always). Can't believe how much some of the trees have changed already. It was such a nice trip away, and I had such a good time with my dad. I really kind of miss living with my parents, and so getting to spend an entire weekend with my dad was really wonderful. I really missed having him around the first night back in town.
New socks and arm warmers arrived in the mail today. Books should be arriving sometime next week, since I found a giftcard for B&N that I didn't even remember I had, and won another one from work for taking second place in our Pedometer Challenge.
While I was up north I received a really upsetting text message from my old colleague Staci, and I'm really worried about her. She's not in a good place right now, and I'm afraid I don't even know how to help her. Every time she gets really depressed and suicidal she turns to me to talk her down from a ledge. I wish I knew how to help....
exhausted11th September, 2011. Sunday
23:21 pm - Ten years after, the ache is still there, and we will never forget....
ten years ago you said to me, with a sheepish laugh, "I'm actually kind of afraid, Acy, I've never been on a plane before. I hope it doesn't crash!" And we laughed, and said good-bye. We never knew that it wasn't the plane you were on we had to worry about, but the one that crashed into the building you were standing on top of....
ten years later, we still miss you.... </3
this rose is from my garden, and these candles are for you, and all the others....
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